I'm using up the last of my annual leave, so I've got a few days off, and really felt a bit guilty that I haven't written anything here for some time. Its a bit sad having holiday this week, coz what with the clocks going back at the wekend I've had a lie-in this morning and I'm still up before 9.

Well, I'm sure you all want to know what's been going on with my love-life. As if I'd tell you.

Well, it's been good, but we've gone a bit off the boil recently. He's been posted to New York on a 2 year secondment, so we'll only be able to see each other when he comes back here on holidays, if he decides to come home then.

We're using facebook, and emails and twitter and every other way to chat, but after a few weeks we seem to be getting abit distant already.

Fuck.

Oops!! My sweet friend, Scarlett-Blue sent me a message yesterday. I am sorry I've been ignoring you all.

Life is pretty good for me. My new man is a real dish. He's gentle and caring, and really really good for me. We're spending so much time together that I haven't really had time for hobbies like blogging and Facebook and all the other things I used to spend hours on each week.

Anyhoo, he's away at a conference in london this coming week, so maybe I'll find some time to look at some of your blogs. Or maybe I'll be texting him, and missing him, and thinking about him.

Maybe I'll need your blogs, and my mates on Facebook, to disttact me a bit.

I'm sorry, my friends, that I haven't been very productive, blog-wise.

I was still quite run down, and working was taking all my energy.

Then I realsied I probably needed a break. I mamanged to get a last minute holiday in corfu, for a fortnight, so I've been away, you see.

It was a lovely break. I'm not usually one for lying around by pools, but I must admit it was good to be able just to rest in the warmth, with a long cold drink.

And I met this guy. Really nice man, very good with his hands. If you know what I mean. DIY and the like.

It wasn't just a holiday romance, cause we've kept in touch since we got bavk here. He lives near Leeds, which isn't too far to travel, and we've managed to meet up a couple fo times each week. In fact I've only got time to write now because he's had to go away on a conference for work for the next week, so I'm at a bit of a loose end this week.

I'm really missing him. And his hands.

God, my life has been disorganized recently. I've been working in a sub-office for the last week, which ahs meant catching an early morning bus, and getting back late. It's interesting meeting new people, and investigaing new situations, but it's all a bit wearing, particularly as I'm still not 100% well yet.

Nothing to report on the socail side of life, i'm afraid.

I have managed to get my pale skin colour up a sghade or two though, with the sun we had last w'kend.

I expect it'll snow this weekend. It is Yorkshire, after all.

Golly!!! It seems to have been a long time since I last wrote something. Dear Scarlett asks if it's because I've been wildly socialising, but I'm afraid that's not the case.

I am slowly building up my strength again, and am back working full time again, which leaves me tired at the end of the day, but also soo happy to feel that I am alive.

i've been out to the pub a few times, and tonight me and some of the girls from the office are going to see Angels and Demons, and then probabley on somowehre. I don't know how long I shall stay out, cause I still get v tired.

I'm still fag-free though!!!! That makes me happy. Actually, just knowining I'm alive brings a big smile to my face.

Sorry, I haven't written much recently, but realy I'm not doing much. I'm just trying to build up my strength, and get myself right better.

I'm still just working afternoons, and I'll have to be off shortly, but I'm able to cpe with that. I think I'll suggest trying do do a whole day soon.

I'm still off the fags, and really I haven't missed them. I've also cut down on the wine too, perhaps just one glass two or theree times a week. Well, OK, one bottle a week.

Maybe i'll feel up to going out and doing a bit of socialising soon. Hope so.

I'm slowly getting better (I think the sunshine has helped, although it's a bit gloomy today). I'm almost looking forwrad to going into work today.

My wound has a bit painful over the weekend, or tather, it's felt a bit painful inside. It's almost like an itch that I want to scratch, but can't. I hope that's agood sign, of something healing.

I did Monday afternoon, and Tuesday, which at least got the worst of the backlog off my desk. We've agreed I'll do 4 afternoons a week for a while, which means I'm off today.

I'm still very tired, but at least I'm keeping food down now. Amazingly, I haven't had any cravings for a fag. Not once.

Am sitting in my back yard, enjoying the sun at the moment. Think I'll go and get a nice glass of cold wine.

Sorry I haven't written anything here for a while. I've been tires all the time, and I've had all sorts of side affects from the pills I've been taking, but I'm not going to talk about them here.

Anyway, I am feeling a bit better now, and I'm able to keep food down. I even went for a little walk in the sun yesterday, although i had to wrap uop too, because the wind was bitter.

I've told my boss I'll try to get into the office for the afternoon tomorrow, and see how it goes. My doctor says she's happy to sign me off for as long as I want, basically, but whoever it was that said (was it you Kaz, I can't remember) that I'm missing the folk at work was right. I don't have any really close friends, not since my ex left me, so i enjoy seeing them, and the chats there.

Anyway, sitting around at home doesn't do me any good. I'm bored with Facebook, and don't feel like Twittering anymore either.

My manager came to see me yesterday afternoon (he didn't seem to know it was a bank holiday). It started out as a nice concerned visit, wanting to see how I'm gettin on. then he asked me when I was coming back to work.

I know they're very busy. We seem to have taken on a lot of work that was being done in london before this, because the north of England seems to have become the centre for the type of thing we particularly monitor (I mustn't say anything more here, else someone would come round and shhot you. Really).

Anyway, the office is completely snowed under apparently, and if he wasn't begging me to come back, he was almost threatening me.

I've said I'll try to start again next week, part-time (afternoons probably, cause it takes a long time for me to get going in the mornings).

Don't know what my doctor's going to say about it.

I've got out of bed, and I'm having a lie down on the settee while my sister looks after me.

I'm still very week, but I just feel so happy now that I know I'm not going to die, that i don't mind.

By the way, I've given up smoking and I'm nver going to smoke again, ever. I'm going to set up a standing order for the amount i used to spend on fags, to a cancer charity.

I can't think, now, why I used to poisen my system like that. I'm not stupid, I knew what it could do to me. I mean, i know why I carried on, because I was addicted, but I can't think why I was so stupid as to have started in the first place. Peer pressure, I suppose.

Anyway, that's all behind me, and the future is going to be beautiful. I know.

I'm home!!!!!

It's going to be OK!!!

They operated on Monday. thinjk it was micro surgery, 'cos there's only a little cut in my tummy. There was a lump inside my stomach, but the biopsy says it's benign!!!!!!

They kept me in for another couple of days because I've been so week, but also so they coukld start me on some drugs. I think they're supposed to dissolve the lump. I didn't really get everything they were telling me, but my siister (she's been wonderful, considering we don't really get on and we haven';t seen each other for three years), well she was there and she used to be a nurse, so i think she understaood what they were telling me.

I really must thank my big sister, for being so wonderful. We haven't been the best of friends in recent years, but she has been great when it mattered.

I'd also like to thank you all for your thoughtful caring words. And I want to specially mentoion Dave. He sent me an e-mail a couple of weeks ago, when this first got serious, and I've kept in touch with him during this. He's so lovely, so caring and supportive. I know that's his job, but I don't go to his church, and he doesn't know anything about me, but he has been just lovely. If any of you actually know him, please give him a special hug from me. He certainly helped me gte through this.

I'm very tirede now, so I'm going to bed. Love to you all. xx

I'm going in on Monday. My bags are packed.

One of my visitors has told me he'll be prayiong for me, and thanks, all of you for your kind words. It does mean a lot to know that other people are thinking of me.

I suppose I'm ready.

The hospital 'phoned about ten minutes ago. They want me to go in first thing on Monday morning for the biopsy.

I feel sick. Mind you, I still am being sick, every time I try to eat anything solid.

Thanks for your support people. My sister (who I haven't seen for three years - we just keep in touch my e-mail) is coming to stay with me, at least until I've had the biopsy.

When I got to the hospital, they told me the consulatant had arranged a CT scan before she saw me.

When I eventually did get to see her, she got up from behind her desk and came and sat in a chair next to me. That sort of game me the idea that it's bad news.

There's a growth of some sort in my stomach.

She wants to operate , to take a biopsy from it, to see whether its benign or not.

She said they'll book me in as soon as possible.

I'm so frightened.

I've got out of bed, because laying there worrying isn't doing me any good. I thought if I went on the net and read a few blogs, that might cheer me up.

I'm still feeling nauseous all the time, and can't keep much food down. It might be good for my weight, but it's not making me feel good about things.

I wish tomorrow was over.

I'm back from the hospital. They've done a whole battery of tests on me, blood, x-ray, ultrasound and some others which have slipped my mind.

I've got an appointment to see a colnsulatant, on Friday, once they've got the results in.

I think it's going to be a long week.

I'm trying to do things to keep me occupied, but I can't do much because I feel so washed out. I have managed to upload my photos from my camera (I am glad I remembered to take it with me).

While I was down there, I asked my friend to take me to Lymn Regis, because dear Scarlet had just been there, and I wanted to see it for myself. I managed a nice (blowy) walk on the beach, and a few chips. Here's one of my photos.

I'm back home. I feel a bit better, having been looked after and fed nourishing food. Not that I could keep it all down. I still keep throwing up most days.

I've cut out alcohol. And I've stopped smoking. I think that's for good this time. I've got a patch on.

I can't tell whether my shivering is cold turkey, nerves about the future, or because I'm ill. A bit of each, i think.

I've got an appointm,ent at the District Hospital in Wigginton Road on Monday.

I'm so, so worried.

I'm going away for a few days. I rang my friend last night, and told her my news. She told me to get myself on a train and get down tio Devon to stay with them. I've just been round to the doctors surgery and left them a note (coz they're shut of course) given them my mobile number, in case I get an appointment at the hospital in the next few days, and I've asked my neighbour to come in and check my post, in case there's anything from the hospital.

I've just got back from the doctors. They phoned me up this morning and asked me to come in to see the doctor this afternoon. I'm shaking and crying, but I want to share my feelings with someone and there's noone here but my blog.

She says it probably is just a viral infection, but the tests have shown up a few other things it might be, so she wants to send me to a specialit at the hospital for more tests to find out for sure.

I asked her what the other things might be, but she didn't want to say, because there were 'several things it could be, and there's no point worrying about them.'

Stupid woman. That just made it wosre, knowing that there might be something wrong with me that I could be worried about. I insisited she told me. Apparently there were some signs that might indicate cancer, or TB. But it's almost certainly just a virus, she said.

TB? That sound slike something my grandmother might have had. I didn't think they still had it these days. When I stop crying I'm going to have to do some googling.

Or cancer.

I'm so lonely and scared.

I feel really poorly. I can't keep warm. I'm shiverring all the time, even with the heating full-on, and wearing a fleece under my duvet.

I keep throwing up too. And it's not coz of the vodka, coz I haven't had a drink for several days now.

I am drinking lots of honey and lemon, and some dehydration sachets I had in from when i was planning a trekking holiday in Africa. I can't face anything to eat, except some toast and honey.

I ache all over too.

I'm seeing the doctor on Monday, I think, or it might be Tuesday. An yway, I'll get the resuklt of my tests then. I've rung up a friend from Uni days, who lives in Devon or Dorset or somewhere down there, she's said I can come to stay with her. I think I might get a rail ticket for the day after my doctor';s appointment. If I can find enough strength to get to the station by then.

thanks for all your messages.

Love Jane. x

I still feel really ill. I went to the doctor today because I still feel so poorly, and because I needed a sick note.

She says she thinks it might not be flu, but a viral infection. She got the nirse to take a blood sample, and I had to wee into a bottle. I've got to go back next week for the results.

This is when I really wish I had a flat-mate, if only to have sonmeone to talk to, and maybe cook me some nourishing food. I bought some fish and chips on the way home, but when I got here I could only manage a few chips.

I'm going back to bed.

The sun is shining and it's a clear blue sky, so i rsiked a wobble into my back yard a few minutes ago.

My it's cold!!

I still don't feel very well. That may be because I've been in bed for several days, and haven't eaten much. I have had large quantities of healthy vodka, though. Some of it with orange juice, so that's loads of good vitamin C too.

Sorry I haven't blogged much, or been to visit any blogs over the last few days. I've just been feeling sorry for myself instead.

What day is it?

I read someoewhere that russians don't get flu. It may be the cold, or their diet.

I've been drinking vodka pretty solidly for the last couple of days.

I forget why now.

Oops. I think I went back to work too soon.

I went over all dizzy yesterday afternoon, and had to come home for a lie-down.

I've only just got up, as I had to have something to eat.

Making some toast and soup and then going back to bed.

Sorry. I may not blog until I'm feeling completely perky.

I feel a little bit better today, thank you for asking.

Well enough to stagger in to work, anway.

The sun's shining, which helps, although it looks as if there was a frost last night, and I think the forecast is for cold the rest of this week, and even possibly snow.

Not that it ever snows in Yorshire, the Rivierra of the north.

I forced myself to get out of bed and totter down the corridor to my living room last night, because I don't have a TV by my bed, and I wanted to watch the final of Masterchef.

The right man won.

Even if he has got a bit of a beard.

I cried.

At the risk of sounding like a bloke, I think I've got flu.

Just crawled out of my bedroom and into the kitchen and made a big mug of coffee. Picked up laptop on the way back tobed.

May do some surfing later.